Unexpressed

i wish i can have somebody i could talk to about this matter... 

I have kept this feeling long enough because i can't say it out..

Deeper and deeper 

and it hurts so much

that battle with myself..

forcing myself to love you.. instead of hate

Ironic me..

Chekidot

Guys, i have an awesome video that i want to share with you! Check it out! it is really cool!

Blessings,
NANA

Gratitude

=)

Hi.. it has been a long time not updating my blog.. kinda sad though =(. but yeah.. i have been really stressed out these semester that i have no mood to update my stories. Honestly, i have lot of lot of things to tell you guys about what happen exactly with my life here. maybe i should just summarize and highlight several things? 

If you want me to describe my 3rd semester in Biola in word, i will say something like unveiling, well can't describe it in adjective but yeah.. disclosure about suprising things that remain hidden for whole of my life. I don't mean to start any religious talk again but well, this is part of my true story and i just want to share, hope that my story can inspire people out there who might experience the same thing. 

I believe that everyone has personal struggles in their life that remains unknown and hidden deep deep down inside their hearts. Although people are willing to share with others, they just cannot pour out everything even to their closest family and friends. This problem is just inevitable. So, whenever you saw people who laugh and smile everyday, who looks completely fine from the outside, trust me, they have their own struggles that people can never ever understand. More suprisingly, i found out that sometimes they cannot understand what's wrong with them!

This is what happen to me since the beginning of my class. I struggle and i have nobody to talk to. I ask God why i have to go through this problems and sufferings. Why God did not help me? So many thoughts that go through my mind that i believe God has left me, God did not love me anymore. It is shocking though to see myself really in despair and hopeless. I have cried every week and asked where is He. Why He did not answer my plead? I almost given up. I have read the Bible, i have prayed and i have done what I was supposed to do, but things still the same. nothing has changed. 

So what did I do then? How this is solved? i recognize that i cannot keep everything alone. I can't. I cannot stand by myself, i cannot fight on our own. That's why God is there. I have been really proud of myself, thinking that i can do everything on my own, thinking that i can face this alone. I dont need others to help me (or people just don't care with my issues or i don't want to bother others). This truth slapped me. Immediately, i know what i should do, share it with my friend, S. At first, i kept on insisting not to because i don't like crying in front of others, but i just can't bear it anymore. I must do it. Now. So what happen is yes i cry, cry and cry. It's really embarrassing, but actually it works. I felt relieved. 

Maybe some people feel reluctant to go their friends and share their problems. They don't want people to see them cry because they will look weak. But, that is a form of pride, i believe. If you have good friends, they will be there for you and they will not mock you when you cry. They will hug you and say it is okay. They will listen to you. Be careful when you share your story. Share it with the ones you trust, the ones whom makes you grow. There is a quote, " True friend is someone who make you grow." If your friendship does not let you be better, i think that is not my friend. It is just a mere relation, nothing special.

Thanks to God, that He has taught me something through my struggle. I have more intimate relationship with Him now and with my friends! I forget to tell you that along with my struggles, sickness came to me. For almost 4 weeks, i got problems with my health consecutively. Starting from allergy, cold, diarrhea, and gastric, all of them makes me stressed a lot since it came during my busy week. Well, thanks to God that He has helped me to go through everything =). Being sick while you are far away from your home is really unpleasant, but i am thankful that i got bunch of awesome friends who care for me. ;). Thanks S and A who have helped me. =D. i don't know how to pay you guys back. And thanks for all of your prayers. =). i really appreciate it. 

I know it is a long post, and i don't know whether it is inspiring or not. but, please do tell me if there is some mistake or not. I'm gonna take that as input and maybe if you guys have question just formspring me. lol. 

Have a wonderful days ahead =)

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ.

Blessings,

NANA

Sophomore YEAR

Hi guys! it has been a long long time for not posting! maybe for 4 months? i guess i can skip telling the story of my summer break. It was not really productive and interesting anyway. So, let's just start from my beginning of my sophomore year! oh my gosh can't believe that i'm a S O P H O M O R E right now. One year has passed in the blink of eyes and now i'm in my second year at BIOLA. =).

School started exactly 5 days ago, but i have been on campus almost 2 weeks ago. I helped with the international student orientation actually. It was quite awesome to meet a lot of new people from different countries. I was a bit uncomfortable with helping them on the first hand because I was a shy person. It was hard for me to connect with them. But thank God, i tried to get out from my comfort zone and tried to help them as hard as I can. Finally, everything was getting easier! =). Maybe in the beginning, i regret coming here early, but not now. I was thankful for that cause i got the wonderful experience that i could only get once in a lifetime. God wanted me to learn something from here. It was not to think about myself, not to be self-centered, but to think about others.

After the orientation, school started! This week was a crazy week for me, i guessed. After not studying for whole 3 months, i felt dizzy even after reading the syllabus! can't believe that! now i know why people said that being a freshman is the best. when you entered your second year, things will be different and yeah, i felt that too. The classes are A LOT MORE harder that last year. So much projects and papers! i also have 34 fieldwork hours in elementary school. >.< Aaaaaaaa... i could not think of anything after i realized that.

But then, in the time when i was so desperate, S reminded me that i should not depend on myself. YES! That's it! That is the answer! I was so suprised by that statement. all this time, i think that i can't do it this year. I'm gonna lose. I depend on myself. I forget how i get through all my classed last year. It was God who helped me. Without Him, i could not make it to second year. Well, i guess, i need to always remember that God is the source of my strength. I needed to always depend on Him..

I hope this post can encourage you guys who are in the midst of difficulty in your classes. Sometimes, you feel that you can't finish the project on time, you can't do your work well enough, you feel that you want to surrender. However, remember that you will absolutely can't do everything when you depend on your own strength. We are human. we are not perfect and we are weak. Depend on God. God is strong. God is infallible. He will certainly help us to get through everything. =)

Have a blessed Sunday, readers..  Remember, God loves you!

Blessings,
NANA

Flame

The weather is too hot, too too hot, help me =(. i'm going crazy. It makes me stressed, frustrated, and depressed. I think today is not a good day for me. Maybe you just can't understand at all. I don't like how you disrespect me.







Regards,
Natalia

The Way I Am

In the state of missing what i used to do in the past.. =). just came home after watching chamber rehearsing for the concert. I miss the busyness i had when I joined this choir. Quite regretful that i didn't use the time i had in the past to value the moment. =( well, now i was the one watching and it was quite fun. =D. i hoped that one day i can start singing again cause i believe that is what God wants me to do. If i fulfilled what God wants me to do, i believed i have worshipped Him. Worship isn't just about singing in the church, worship is doing what we are designed to do.

I also miss all my friends and somehow i miss the ones i used to be close to. =D.

Blessings,

NANA

To the FULLEST!

Hellowww, it's wednesday! =D. i was quite happy today cause i have been keeping myself busy starting from this morning. ;). Being really productive is my goal this summer. =D. so, here's my list for my today activity:
1. Going to aerobic class with mom
2. Go to the market
3. Have breakfast at home ( I have eaten "bubur sumsum" YAY! *checklist*)
4. watching Captain America (this is cool! more than what i expected ;) )
5. go to Cambridge (shopping with momma)
6. yoga
7. church =D
So happy that finally i can come back to sing in the choir. it has been one year. well, i hope that this summer i can learn something. i also want to bring myself closer to God. This summer really gives me a lot of temptations to stray away from Him. I hope He can bring me near to Him. I wanted to learn Him although i'm not in Biola. Trying to train myself ;D.

I hope you guys have a great day ahead! Remember to smile , cause you are beautiful when you smile =).


Blessings,
NANA

Cotton Candy!

Back in town! yuhuuuu... i'm so happy cause i can sleep on my own bed, can shower in my own bathroom, can play my piano, andddddd can eat my mom's cook food! XDDD. bad news is that my hometown is terribly hot.. :| I sweat a lot. but nvm, as long as i can enjoy my time here, nothing can make me grumble =D.

Soooo, right now i'm trying to register for online class this summer... i failed to register for the first session, and luckily, there is second session, thank God. *phew.wish me luck for that. if i did not register i think i might be bored with my holiday and with my brain unused. =.=". while i'm trying to apply, i try to be productive this holiday. taking yoga and fitness classes are one of the main activities. I also try to take piano courses. there are also some stuffs to be taken care of. I already cut my hair! =D. and i need to go to the doctor to check some things. i also need to go to the dentist to take care of my teeth. Hearing the word "dentist" really terrified me. Well, i don't have a good chemistry with that word. Growing up dealing with them traumatized me. T^T. now i need to do some operation again. *sigh.

anyway.. have a good summer break  minasamaaa... i might update my post more often since i did not have anything to do ;). Ciao!

 Do i look younger? =)

Blessings,

NANA

To LOVE?

howdy! how r u guys? i'm currently in Sg right now and still can't believe that i'm here with my dearest family. =). I arrived here two days ago and maybe i'm still having a lil bit jetlag, but i'm doing better, i think =D.

I have eaten lotso food since yesterday. dimsum, turtle soup, taiwanese food, bubble milk tea.. lol. heaven. but, the milk tea has a better taste back there, maybe i should try KOI? tomorrow maybe. and i want to have duck rice and chicken rice. something that i can't get in BIOLA. =p. ahh.. going to be a fattie lol. nvm. let's think about that later ;p.

Recently, i'm having trouble loving someone. well, it is not that kind of "love" i'm talking of. The love i'm talking about here is the love for others. To love someone you are irritated of, someone you dislike, someone you want to get away from, someone you hate, someone you don't even want to talk to... It's just hard to do that. i wonder how God did it for us. The question that i'm still asking until right now. God who loved us so much.. us, who are sinners; who had killed, who had betrayed, who had lied, who had done all the bad stuffs.. but He still loves us..

I just want to be like God, day by day... maybe it's not now.. cause i know i'm not perfect.. but I will try to love.. to love others.. i hope one day, i can love someone who doesn't deserve to be loved... will that day come??

Blessings,

NANA

FINALS!

apology for readers! from the last post i promised to write a "post" last week but.. =.='. seems like I really don't have the time to craft all my thoughts in one post. I really need time to write it cause i want it as encouragement. Since i had a bad writing.. well, basically, i need time. Maybe after finals? lol. PLUS, i need to pack all my things because i'm going home in 4 days =DDDD. so much to pack >.<. but i'm super duper excited. really can't wait for Friday.. mom, dad, i'm coming >.<

I supposed to study right now. =S. but i'm not into it.. =(((. Otoke? huhuhuhu





Blessings,
NANA

eager eager eager

This is not a really important post.. but i really want to write something.. =D. Guess what i'm doing now?

yepp.. studying for my bio practicum test! it reminded me of junior and senior high school and apparently, i must study all over again in COLLEGE! =.='. The good news is that it is easier to understand in english. Lol. =DD

Going home in 8 days. so excited... but need to overcome all the finals.. 

Anyway, i promise that i will post something this week after i finish all my exams. I really want to write this because it suddenly comes to my mind. hope that that post will encourage and comfort you guys! =D

Blessings,

NANA

God's right here...

Hey, heard you were up all nightThinking about how your world ain't rightAnd you wonder if things will ever get betterAnd you're asking why is it always raining on youWhen all you want is just a little good newsInstead of standing there stuck out in the weather
Oh, don't hang your headIt's gonna endGod's right thereEven if it's hard to see HimI promise you that He still caresWhen the waves are taking you underHold on just a little bit longerHe knows that this is gonna make you stronger, strongerThe pain ain't gonna last foreverAnd things can only get betterBelieve meThis is gonna make you strongerGonna make you stronger, stronger, strongerBelieve me, this is gonna make you Stronger
Try and do the best you canHold on and let Him hold your handAnd go on and fall into the arms of JesusOh, lift your head it's gonna endGod's right thereEven when you just can't feel HimI promise you that He still cares
'Cause if He started this work in your lifeHe will be faithful to complete itIf only you believe itHe knows how much it hurtsAnd I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

I'm broken inside out and i need Thee... I feel so much pressure here and i don't whom i can talk to right now :(. Only God knows the reason why..And this song really encourages me.. i hope it can be encouragement for all of you who are struggling right now. Stay strong and be stronger.


Blessings,NANA

Exhausting

I am too tired, doing the same thing again, again, and again...

I just can't understand why people seemed to do that..

Maybe i will just do it my way.. I just can't do that again..

It hurts, and it will often comes along... 

i hope you can understand what i mean

or maybe you won't.. at all..

Blessings,

NANA

God is Good

Hi fellas, just want to say that i am pretty beat up today.. I got so much to do for this week and it's hard for me to sleep these days. I need at least 1 hour to sleep. =.=". but i'm so relieved too. Finally i can "breath" normally. Just finished up my big paper for my major class and seriously, without Him i don't even know i can submit it today. All praise to Him. =) I also had my NT exam today and it was great, i think. =D. Well, thanks to those two big tasks, time can pass faster. 4 weeks more and i'm done. I'm gonna be home soon.

This is the time, well, i miss my home so much. I miss my parents and siblings. I miss my bed. I miss my mom's cooking. I miss my hometown's food. I guess, if  i never study abroad, i will not start to appreciate what i had in the past. Thanking God for this wonderful opportunity that I had. *winkwink*

If life is never tough, i will not sense what it means to be free from problems. Life will be very dull. See... what if i don't encounter abundant and frustrating things in my life? i think i will never enjoy my life. hmm...  God is good. All the time. His grace is sufficient and His love is never ending. =)

Ah! almost forget to tell you a good news. My next dorm will be HOPE! Finally... >.<.  my last semester wish came true. =DD. i'm going to post what will my room look like next semester. promise. ;D

Looking forward to summer break.. counting days =DDDDD

going to be nerd for the rest of the weeks =p

=)

thanking God that i can still smile =)

Blessings,
NANA

Identity in Christ

Yellow, it's Friday and that means SPRING BREAK is almost OVERRRR! =.=" . I think it is a so so break to me because it is not really fun, but it is not really dull at all. I learn a lot even though during holiday. Anyway, gonna tell you a more thrilling story after my last post.

Yesterday, i went to the Seal Beach. guess what. We did not go by car, but but butttt, by BICYCLE. >.< . That was the most exciting thing i ever done so far. 50 km! The contentment i got after i have ridden the bike this far... so so indescribable.. Feeling tired, yes, but i felt so energized after that. I love it and i want to do this again. the only problem is... my butt is a little bit hurt.. =.='.

Anyway, i did not go anywhere today. The rain poured down heavily today and i stayed in my room for the whole time, doing my homework. So many.. hope can finish them soon. I went for a dinner with my friends though and had a little chit-chat. You know what? i learn something. This is it.
Don't let others define WHO YOU ARE. remember, your IDENTITY is in CHRIST. Don't be a victim of social life. when you are fighting, or you have troubles with others, don't let all these things haunted you for the whole life. When you feel like you are nothing or not popular, just remember who you are in Christ.
I was sort of relief after having this conversation because i know all this time, i always let others define me. Well, who wants to be insignificant? i tried so hard to be recognized by everyone. but, for what? come to this conclusion, i know that God is enough for me. although i'm nothing to others, i'm something to Him. He is my Savior and He is sovereign over my life. That's it. Period.
This is the lesson of the day. =). hope can be helpful. ;). posting some photosss...

With Melia cc and Sharon @Bolsa Chica for field trip report 

Visit the park for tree project.. isn't it nice? =D

This is called cones.. i thought this is called chestnut :p

Pictures of us having KFC...! ohohohohohoho.. note: rice is rare here. =p

Seal Beach with my name ;p. My friend helped me to write my name in Korean =D

Isn't it pretty? =) God's creation. 

Matthew 6: 28-34
 ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

P.S: I have started my humility training. please pray for me cause it is not easy. Thanks =)


Blessings,

NANA

Happen for Reasons

Some things happened lately and i'm gonna write it down so that i will not forget what happen. I'm having spring break now and yes, no school for a week. Before, me and my friends have plans for this break. Going San Diego and Hollywood. But, unexpected things occurred and i really have no idea about those things.
9th April 2012 will be the day that i will not forget for the rest of my live. The fact that i'm still posting blog today is a miracle... Last Monday, we had a car collision short after our dinner. It just happened so quickly and i did not what to say. but one thing i am sure that, i'm glad that i still have the chance to live. Luckily, everyone was allright. Really, God protected us. Even until now, i still cannot forget what happen that day.
I'm just really glad... Because of this, i grew closer to God and i really treasured my life starting from that night. I believe that everything happened for reason. Lesson that i learned these days is that try to be grateful. When you are thinking of dying, remember that there are thousand of people out there are trying to live.
The sad part is that Oliv probably won't be at Biola next semester. Otoke? :(. I hope God can let her continue here. *sigh. Bad news kept coming besides that and i don't know what should i say about this spring break... I felt so tired with all these stuffs. Somebody passed away, earthquake in my hometown, that "accident", tons of paper are waiting for me, and some "other" stuffs. I think this is the time i miss my family the most. I really need them. ='(

Hope God can give me strength to carry on... What i need now is peace.. I just can't stand this anymore.. what i feel right now is so overwhelming.


Regards,
NANA

Stay with Me

I think the more i am depressed, the more i will post something.. although i have nothing to talk about. well, actually, i'm thinking of changing my major. here we go againnnn... This thought always comes to my mind for more than hundred times since i chose this path.. T^T.

I wish God can answer my doubt directly.. *sigh* need to wait and depend on Him..

I'm bored... =p

Blessings,
NANA

Not a good MONDAY

Sleep deprived and i don't feel like doing anything to today ....

Have a great day folks... =.="

Blessings
NANA

Fighter

Oh well.. Again, I am so lazy and "busy" to update my blog. Anyway, after studying for music test for tomorrow, i'm so bored. SO, i try to post some things so that i can start to read and study again.. hmm..
Getting so busy these days because of midterms. Exams are getting harder and papers are piling up. Oh well, i got one research paper for my major class and it's frustrating although i haven't started it yet. *sigh. That paper is pretty important for my graduation. Zzzzzz.... Hope i can get it done during spring break.

Some significant things happened lately. From my previous post, forgive me for that devastated and childish pictures of me. That time i was so depressed and i became a victim of my own mind. Luckily, i had a friend that helped me getting out from my own thought. Thanks :*. So happy that finally God granted my wish; to have a friend that i can share with especially spiritually. And what I am glad about these days is that i can finally cry in front of them. Thanks to ISA retreat. I feel so relieved and i have this sort of accomplishment. I throw my pride away! I don't have to keep things by myself anymore. God is so gracious to me and i am thankful for that. =).

And here is another thought that came across to my mind these past weeks,
I believe, events of my life refine me. Comparing myself to the past, i feel so much better although i'm still far from perfection. God leads me here and He wants me to learn, learn until the day He came. I knew that in the past i was so like Pharisees, judging others and feeling righteous. But here, i know i'm no different from people who kill or steal. I'm the same, in fact, might be worst. Thank God, I learned. I learned that not  Law that grant me eternal life because I can't do the Law perfectly. It is God.

This semester, i can see that reading bible, going to church, or doing righteous things don't show that i can go to heaven. No. It is my relationship to God. That's all that matter. I hope during my studies for 4 years in Biola, can open my eyes of who God is. I just want to know more about Him. That's what i want.

Btw, nobody celebrates April's Fool day. =.=". Sort of relieved but i miss the jokes i had during high school year, tricking friends ;p. BUT, people celebrate Palm's Sunday. Kinda new for me, but I think it's gonna be reminder for me, that Good Friday is coming. Remembrance of Jesus' crucifixion, a Lamb that was slain, to redeem us. Prepare the heart, folks. =)

Have a great weekday! =D

  

Trololololololoooooo~ random pictures.. I love my hair in these two pictures cause it curls itself. >.<

Sharon with her new car oh yeahhhhhhhh~

My future carrrrr... VW BETTLE newestttt! >.< . Just kiddin. =P .It's my favorite car now. Too bad that i did not take picture with the yellow one. T.T. can't wait to get my license. Dang.. why it is so hard to have license here. =.="

Blessings,
NANA

I'm Crying...

I'm crying... because there are so much pain in this world
I'm crying... because i have no one to talk to
I'm crying .. because i'm tired of being good
I'm crying... because I don't know what i should do
I'm crying... because the world is too cruel
I'm crying... because i expect too much from people
I'm crying.. because i can't show others my tear
I'm crying... because i can't find somebody i can rely on
I'm crying.. because there is nobody i can trust anymore
I'm crying... because nobody can help me
I'm crying... because nobody cares


I'm broken inside..
I fell down and i can't stand by myself right now..


Sincerely,
NANA



Blessings,
NANA

Consume

It's Tuesday, guys and i have finished my classes of the week. Thanks to Mission Conference ;P. I think tomorrow Biola is gonna be totally different. Many attractive things are placed in the campus. just now i saw an apple hanging on the tree and it was only one. I'm looking forward to this conference. =DDD

If you want to know more just click here

Anyway, these days have been very unproductive to me. I am getting lazier day by day and you know what? Midterm is coming. T.T. Oh my goodness... why oh why so soon?? Hope i can get through all of those things. You know what i mean- tons of paper, exams, worksheets, observation, etc. =.=

I think that's all for today. Gonna post some pictures later from mission conference.
Well, have a great day ahead folks! ;)

Blessings,
NANA

Down to the Soul

Just want to express my feeling for these days. I feel so sad recently although there are a lot of joy out there. There are so many thoughts lingered on my mind... and it is hard to be understood. Why? Why? and Why? I decided to write this thought and i hope you can understand...

I want you to know that i will always accept you for who you are. no matter what. I can't hate you cause you care for me. I can't abhore you even though you might hate me. I don't know why but you are a great friend for me. Please give me some time to adjust with the fact that humans are not flawless. I am not blaming you or avoiding you, but i need time. When the time has came, remember, i will accept you for who you are. Just... be patient. I don't know if you need me or not, but i will always be there for you when you have no one to talk to. I hope you understand. That's all i can say.


Sincerely,
NANA

One Picture of God's Grace

I feel like writing a new post today.. So random. Well, maybe i should write more often since the busy week ends today. =D. I'm so happy. everything back to normal and i can sit back and relax for a while. Anyway, i will post some pictures from last week. Since we are so stressed with the exams and paper, my friends and I went to have fun for 3 days. LOL. But it's a relief that we can go there and have our togetherness. Well, i guess God's grace once again is more than enough =). So, this is just a few pictures of us and i wanted to introduce them officially..

Panera bread started our day =D. Trust me, this is the most delicious and healthy lunch ;) esp for girlss

in the car.. brooom broomm

with Sharon <3

The Fives ( we named ourselves that ) ;)

With Olivia! my lebayest fren =p

We were waiting in line for Hollywood Terror Tower (the line was too long that we did not have anything to do besides taking pic)

Here it is!

Having Churos together with Alicia!!! =D the most mature friend i have ;D

Failed as barbies and ..  (i don't know nate wanted to be what) LOL

This is California Screaming. Taking pic before we went screaming together. Planned to take it again next time. =p

Disney's wheel during night time..

The last ride =p

The newest pic I took =p. I rarely took pic recently =(.

 Well, they all are my best friends here and i really thanked God that i can meet them. Sharon, Olivia, Alicia and Nate. They are gifts from God to me. =)

Have a great weekend guys! =) 


Blessings,
NANA