Unexpressed

i wish i can have somebody i could talk to about this matter... 

I have kept this feeling long enough because i can't say it out..

Deeper and deeper 

and it hurts so much

that battle with myself..

forcing myself to love you.. instead of hate

Ironic me..

Chekidot

Guys, i have an awesome video that i want to share with you! Check it out! it is really cool!

Blessings,
NANA

Gratitude

=)

Hi.. it has been a long time not updating my blog.. kinda sad though =(. but yeah.. i have been really stressed out these semester that i have no mood to update my stories. Honestly, i have lot of lot of things to tell you guys about what happen exactly with my life here. maybe i should just summarize and highlight several things? 

If you want me to describe my 3rd semester in Biola in word, i will say something like unveiling, well can't describe it in adjective but yeah.. disclosure about suprising things that remain hidden for whole of my life. I don't mean to start any religious talk again but well, this is part of my true story and i just want to share, hope that my story can inspire people out there who might experience the same thing. 

I believe that everyone has personal struggles in their life that remains unknown and hidden deep deep down inside their hearts. Although people are willing to share with others, they just cannot pour out everything even to their closest family and friends. This problem is just inevitable. So, whenever you saw people who laugh and smile everyday, who looks completely fine from the outside, trust me, they have their own struggles that people can never ever understand. More suprisingly, i found out that sometimes they cannot understand what's wrong with them!

This is what happen to me since the beginning of my class. I struggle and i have nobody to talk to. I ask God why i have to go through this problems and sufferings. Why God did not help me? So many thoughts that go through my mind that i believe God has left me, God did not love me anymore. It is shocking though to see myself really in despair and hopeless. I have cried every week and asked where is He. Why He did not answer my plead? I almost given up. I have read the Bible, i have prayed and i have done what I was supposed to do, but things still the same. nothing has changed. 

So what did I do then? How this is solved? i recognize that i cannot keep everything alone. I can't. I cannot stand by myself, i cannot fight on our own. That's why God is there. I have been really proud of myself, thinking that i can do everything on my own, thinking that i can face this alone. I dont need others to help me (or people just don't care with my issues or i don't want to bother others). This truth slapped me. Immediately, i know what i should do, share it with my friend, S. At first, i kept on insisting not to because i don't like crying in front of others, but i just can't bear it anymore. I must do it. Now. So what happen is yes i cry, cry and cry. It's really embarrassing, but actually it works. I felt relieved. 

Maybe some people feel reluctant to go their friends and share their problems. They don't want people to see them cry because they will look weak. But, that is a form of pride, i believe. If you have good friends, they will be there for you and they will not mock you when you cry. They will hug you and say it is okay. They will listen to you. Be careful when you share your story. Share it with the ones you trust, the ones whom makes you grow. There is a quote, " True friend is someone who make you grow." If your friendship does not let you be better, i think that is not my friend. It is just a mere relation, nothing special.

Thanks to God, that He has taught me something through my struggle. I have more intimate relationship with Him now and with my friends! I forget to tell you that along with my struggles, sickness came to me. For almost 4 weeks, i got problems with my health consecutively. Starting from allergy, cold, diarrhea, and gastric, all of them makes me stressed a lot since it came during my busy week. Well, thanks to God that He has helped me to go through everything =). Being sick while you are far away from your home is really unpleasant, but i am thankful that i got bunch of awesome friends who care for me. ;). Thanks S and A who have helped me. =D. i don't know how to pay you guys back. And thanks for all of your prayers. =). i really appreciate it. 

I know it is a long post, and i don't know whether it is inspiring or not. but, please do tell me if there is some mistake or not. I'm gonna take that as input and maybe if you guys have question just formspring me. lol. 

Have a wonderful days ahead =)

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ.

Blessings,

NANA

Sophomore YEAR

Hi guys! it has been a long long time for not posting! maybe for 4 months? i guess i can skip telling the story of my summer break. It was not really productive and interesting anyway. So, let's just start from my beginning of my sophomore year! oh my gosh can't believe that i'm a S O P H O M O R E right now. One year has passed in the blink of eyes and now i'm in my second year at BIOLA. =).

School started exactly 5 days ago, but i have been on campus almost 2 weeks ago. I helped with the international student orientation actually. It was quite awesome to meet a lot of new people from different countries. I was a bit uncomfortable with helping them on the first hand because I was a shy person. It was hard for me to connect with them. But thank God, i tried to get out from my comfort zone and tried to help them as hard as I can. Finally, everything was getting easier! =). Maybe in the beginning, i regret coming here early, but not now. I was thankful for that cause i got the wonderful experience that i could only get once in a lifetime. God wanted me to learn something from here. It was not to think about myself, not to be self-centered, but to think about others.

After the orientation, school started! This week was a crazy week for me, i guessed. After not studying for whole 3 months, i felt dizzy even after reading the syllabus! can't believe that! now i know why people said that being a freshman is the best. when you entered your second year, things will be different and yeah, i felt that too. The classes are A LOT MORE harder that last year. So much projects and papers! i also have 34 fieldwork hours in elementary school. >.< Aaaaaaaa... i could not think of anything after i realized that.

But then, in the time when i was so desperate, S reminded me that i should not depend on myself. YES! That's it! That is the answer! I was so suprised by that statement. all this time, i think that i can't do it this year. I'm gonna lose. I depend on myself. I forget how i get through all my classed last year. It was God who helped me. Without Him, i could not make it to second year. Well, i guess, i need to always remember that God is the source of my strength. I needed to always depend on Him..

I hope this post can encourage you guys who are in the midst of difficulty in your classes. Sometimes, you feel that you can't finish the project on time, you can't do your work well enough, you feel that you want to surrender. However, remember that you will absolutely can't do everything when you depend on your own strength. We are human. we are not perfect and we are weak. Depend on God. God is strong. God is infallible. He will certainly help us to get through everything. =)

Have a blessed Sunday, readers..  Remember, God loves you!

Blessings,
NANA

Flame

The weather is too hot, too too hot, help me =(. i'm going crazy. It makes me stressed, frustrated, and depressed. I think today is not a good day for me. Maybe you just can't understand at all. I don't like how you disrespect me.







Regards,
Natalia

The Way I Am

In the state of missing what i used to do in the past.. =). just came home after watching chamber rehearsing for the concert. I miss the busyness i had when I joined this choir. Quite regretful that i didn't use the time i had in the past to value the moment. =( well, now i was the one watching and it was quite fun. =D. i hoped that one day i can start singing again cause i believe that is what God wants me to do. If i fulfilled what God wants me to do, i believed i have worshipped Him. Worship isn't just about singing in the church, worship is doing what we are designed to do.

I also miss all my friends and somehow i miss the ones i used to be close to. =D.

Blessings,

NANA

To the FULLEST!

Hellowww, it's wednesday! =D. i was quite happy today cause i have been keeping myself busy starting from this morning. ;). Being really productive is my goal this summer. =D. so, here's my list for my today activity:
1. Going to aerobic class with mom
2. Go to the market
3. Have breakfast at home ( I have eaten "bubur sumsum" YAY! *checklist*)
4. watching Captain America (this is cool! more than what i expected ;) )
5. go to Cambridge (shopping with momma)
6. yoga
7. church =D
So happy that finally i can come back to sing in the choir. it has been one year. well, i hope that this summer i can learn something. i also want to bring myself closer to God. This summer really gives me a lot of temptations to stray away from Him. I hope He can bring me near to Him. I wanted to learn Him although i'm not in Biola. Trying to train myself ;D.

I hope you guys have a great day ahead! Remember to smile , cause you are beautiful when you smile =).


Blessings,
NANA